I don't like my brain

I can't afford therapy so the inner work and healing I can do is all up to me. I go long periods where I'm fine and I think "I'm healing", "I'm fine" then something dumb happens, and I get triggered and I feel like I'm back at square one. I watch myself spiral, ruminate, think of the same thought backwards, forwards and sideways all while I know that I shouldn't be panicking like this. While knowing that I'm going to be okay, that I'm blowing things out of proportion. But I can't stop my brain, it just goes and goes around in circles endlessly. Even when I try to find something to distract it with, it just does a big loop around and stays on the same thought again.

Why can't I control my thoughts? Why do I have to have a void in me? Are other people like this? I feel ridiculous, so needy, begging, yearning, pleading. I wish I didn't have this. I wish I could just be confident in myself and not get stuck in overthinking loops that just do no good but make me feel bad about myself. How do you pull your brain out of a nose dive?

I have to admit, I can still recognize that I am doing much better than before. I used to take it out on others whenever I felt this way. I used to always act on my emotions. Now I can at least sit on them and not blame anybody, though the feelings still suck. Maybe I am making progress after all. But when I feel my brain turn to mush like this once again, I feel as though I will always remain unlovable, because how can anyone love someone as insane as me